ONCE you have a second child you have automatically enlisted yourself to serve as referee, mediator, and judge.  How you handle these roles will affect how your family functions and interacts with each other and the outside world.

Kids’ fights are inevitable.  In fact, disagreements and problems should be expected at some point in time amongst any people sharing living, working, or play space on a regular basis.  The expectant mother’s dream of constant harmony and love between her children is as unrealistic as the bride’s dream of constant marital bliss after the wedding day.  Frankly, if differences never creep up, then the people involved are probably just coexisting without caring much for one another.  This is true because we simply don’t care what someone does (so long as it doesn’t infringe on us in some way) until we care about that person. 

The first step in handling disputes within the family is to expect them and recognize that they are a symptom of care between persons sharing close quarters.  However, it is a bit different when we’re discussing sibling rivalry than marital disputes.  The difference mostly lies in the immaturity of the participants, as well as the lack of ability to understand things from the other person’s perspective.

I will share a couple of typical scenarios between children and how you might consider handling them.

Scene One

“Mom,” whines the youngest child with that sound of emotional hurt in his voice that tears at his mother’s heart, “Khalid said I’m ugly (may be substituted for any other negative adjective you can think of)!”

Rather than reacting by scolding the older child or rushing to comfort the little one, try to bring him to a maturity level where such words won’t bother him in the future.  “Really?”

“Yes! And he also said that I’m stupid too!”

“Well, are you?”

The child may ponder this for a moment but will usually respond with a very strong, “NO!”

“Alright then!  You know the truth!  So it really doesn’t matter what he says.  Maybe next time you should just tell him that you don’t really care what he thinks.”

More than likely, a few times of such exchanges and the younger child will become more confident and resilient of the other child’s name calling.  He will stop running to you every time his brother (or anyone else) calls him a name and will learn to deal with minor conflicts on his own.  In turn, the other child will realize that he can’t annoy him and the exchanges will most likely wane.

In the meantime, it may be time to address this topic at the next family meeting (which you should be having regularly…see earlier articles in this column for establishing a positive parenting model in your home).  During the meeting you will discuss the inappropriateness of name-calling.  You will then have each child talk about how it makes them feel when someone calls them a name.  Then you ask each child if they think it’s okay to do something that makes others feel sad/bad (use whatever words the opposite child used when describing how they feel).  You will also ask each child how they feel about making someone else feel that way.  Most likely they will respond that it makes them feel sad/bad.  At this point you’ve reached a point of understanding empathy (at least for the moment). 

If the older child continues to behave in such a way after the meeting, then it’s time to deal with that child’s behavior directly.  The concern at that point is not only the exchanges between your children, but also how the older child relates to all people as well as the development of good character in general.

Scene Two

One child is engaged in an activity or playing contently.  That is, until he notices the other child start to play with something else.  The first child is overcome with a sense of “need” for the toy the second child has.  He may react by yanking it out of the first child’s hands or simply demanding it from the other child.  The exchange quickly escalates to yanking, tugging, arguing, and possibly hitting by both children.

The first step is to stop any exchange that may endanger either child by physically separating them and sternly stating that hitting is not acceptable.  The next step is to ascertain which child had the toy first (if you can).  Then return the toy to that child.  Next, encourage the other child to ask nicely for a turn.  If the child complies by giving it to him, give him lots of praise for sharing while his brother gloats for a moment. 

Very quickly encourage that child to then ask his brother for a turn too.  If the child complies, give him lots of praise for sharing as well.  Do this back and forth for a few turns while encouraging sharing.  If they are old enough to have a concept of time (around age 4 or 5) you can leave them with a five to ten minute share guideline for the item and get out of it.

On the other hand, if one of the children refuses to engage in sharing, then that child loses the privilege of that toy for five to ten minutes, at which time you try again.  Most likely they will either lose the “need” for the item or will get on board with sharing rather quickly. 

If both children refuse to share, then the toy simply gets put in time out for the entire day.  No one gets to play with it!  In the midst of this you should be telling them how nice it is to share and how it makes everyone happy, including you.  Lots of praise for successful sharing is important too.  It is also appropriate to remind them that the Prophet (SAWS) taught us to share when he said we should love for our brother what we love for ourselves.

In the meantime, try to observe them from a distance over the next few days.  During this time, it’s important to “catch” them sharing and playing nicely.  Make a point of bringing to their attention that they are sharing and how proud you are of them.  Positive reinforcement should go a long way.

Goal

The goal in both instances is to teach the children to treat each other with respect and compassion while setting boundaries for what are and are not acceptable behaviors between persons. 

Additionally, you want to reach a point where the children are not constantly running to you to settle their disputes.  If they become dependent upon you to resolve all their problems they will not develop the skills to problem solve for themselves.

Obviously, you will have to adjust your approach to be age appropriate.  However, you'd be surprised at how young kids begin to respond and understand.  Sharing, for example, can be modeled even before the child turns one.

In all disputes your goal should be for them to attain a level of self-confidence and empathy that will encourage them to manage difficulties on their own as they mature.  Stop and think before you react and tame your desire to simply “fix” all their problems.  I pray that the results will be healthier famiy and social relationships.

 ©2011 aisha_alhajjar@yahoo.com, All Rights Reserved  (All writings are the original work of Aisha Al Hajjar and are based on her personal research, experiences, and opinions; they do not necessarily reflect the views of any organization or this publication.)