FOR those of us who have made hijra to Saudi Arabia with our families, we face the unique challenge of raising our children as foreigners.  The special circumstance will make an impact on our children’s life and shapes their very being, whether we spend a year or a lifetime in the Kingdom.

As an American mother, I face these challenges day in and day out.  Unfortunately, despite the fact that my husband is Saudi and three of my children have the honor of the “green passport,” we have not been successful at teaching our children Arabic (yet).  This is a failure on our part as parents and further complicates matters for our particular family.  To top that off, we home school via Internet with American institutions, which really keeps us isolated in our own little world of four walls, subhan’Allah.

As an adult, I don’t really mind being “different,” alhamdulelah.  In fact, for me, home is where you make it.  So long as I’m comfortable in my living environment and can get decent groceries, I’m fine.  But what about the kids?

In my case, with such a large family, my children have each other, alhamdulelah.  In fact, as a result of our situation, my children are probably more closely knit than the typical American family back home, masha’Allah.  But I still focus a lot of time and energy on finding social opportunities for them.  This includes fostering relationships with other sisters who have children in their age ranges.

I see this socialization dilemma come up time and again on the expat women’s e-groups as mother after mother posts requests for information on activities for their children of various ages in Riyadh.  Of course the issue of transportation is always the monkey wrench in the activity planning.  But this is only a minor inconvenience, alhamdulelah.

More importantly, my children and I are Muslims, alhamdulelah.  This helps us to appreciate the Islamic value of living in Saudi Arabia.  Even my teen daughter comments that she is grateful to be here, rather than growing up in our homeland, where she recognizes that teen peer pressure would be extreme.

I think it’s important for parents to recognize, when they make a decision to raise their children in a foreign land they are basically creating an independent culture within their family or small circle of friends.  This phenomenon is called “Third Culture Kid.”  The phrase was coined in the 1960s by Sociologist, Ruth Hill Useem.

The term is also referred to by its acronym, TCK.  It literally means "someone who, as a child, has spent a significant period of time in one or more culture(s) other than his or her own, thus integrating elements of those cultures and their own birth culture, into a third culture.”

It was found that adults who have grown up in foreign lands often feel they don’t really fit in anywhere, but at the same time adapt well everywhere.  However, they tend to have a particularly difficult time integrating back into their “home” country.  This most likely stems from the expectation to fit into a society that they never really belonged to.  They may feel more comfortable as expats where there is an expectation and more acceptance of their obvious differences.

While as teens, they usually seem more mature than their homeland peers, but as they enter early adulthood they may take longer to settle in as they may struggle with self-identity.  Depression is also more common amongst TCK adults than the general population.  This could come from a lack of sense of stability while growing up coupled with multiple moves and experience of loss at completely starting over in life, time and time again.

All of this was brought to my attention by a recent article I wrote for Arab News:   Isolation and Adventures in Arabia.  It was a collective memoir of eight women who had grown up on the ARAMCO compounds in Saudi Arabia, between the 1950s to 1990s.  As I read their responses to my interview questions and weaved them together into a fascinating story it hit me:  their enamored sense of love and belonging to Saudi Arabia, was forever tainted by their desperate longing to fit into a homeland whose culture they really didn’t share.

In the case of my “ARAMCO Brat” friends, they seem to have found a culture amongst themselves, which they cling tightly to.  They all reported that they felt more comfortable with other adults who had also grown up in the ARAMCO compounds of Saudi than with the general population.  They keep connected via online groups and form a closely-knit social circle, which comes together often to reminisce and reconnect, masha’Allah.

But their story left me thinking of my own children.  Where will they fit in?  They too will feel as strangers in our “homeland,” should they ever go back.  Yet at the same time they will never truly belong to Saudi either.  This is true even for my half-Saudi babes.

This lack of belonging makes it even more important to instill our deen in our children’s hearts, insha’Allah. There is a very well known hadeeth:

The Prophet (peace be upon him) was reported to have said, “Islam started and will return back as something strange; paradise is for the strangers.”

As I try to understand this I see that when Islam first started, it was something new and outside the social norms.  As it grew it became its own cultural and the norm within its region.  However, as time has passed we can see, as in the hadeeth, it has become as something strange again, subhan’Allah.  Therefore, paradise is for the ones who cling to Islam, despite being strangers in their culture because of it.

The profoundness of this reality really hits home as a mother of Third Culture Kids.  What have they got better than being strangers, if they cling to Islam through the experience?  After all, being a stranger in this dunya is fitting for us, as our life is nothing more than a journey to our final destination in Jannah, insha’Allah.

The Prophet (peace be upon him) was reported to have said, “Be in this world as though you were a stranger or a traveler.  When evening comes, do not expect to live until morning, and when morning comes, do not expect to live until evening.  Take from your health a preparation for your illness, and from your life for your death.”  [Al-Bukhari]

Alhamdulelah, in all things I find a mercy and a guidance from Allah (SWT).  May he bless the children of the Ummah and may we all find our final home together in Paradise…AMEEN!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_culture_kid

http://arabnews.com/lifestyle/offbeat/article478925.ece

©2011 aisha_alhajjar@yahoo.com, All Rights Reserved  (All writings are the original work of Aisha Al Hajjar and are based on her personal research, experiences, and opinions; they do not necessarily reflect the views of any organization or this publication.)