THIS week I will share a real life situation from a reader who wrote to me for advice in dealing with her almost-six year old daughter. In her letter she is desperately seeking advice to control her child’s behavior.

Frankly, control of our children is merely an illusion. Well-behaved children make an individual choice to do so, based on their past experiences, not their parents' current control of them.

Below are some excerpts from the letter:

I've always been a disciplinarian and now things aren’t going 'my' way, I'm at a total loss. My child’s behavior has changed considerably. I no longer have much patience…and I'm at my wits end. What worked in the past is not affecting her anymore. She seems to be immune to the naughty corner nowadays. In the past it gave her time to reflect and think and show some remorse.
I haven’t resorted to hitting her. But some days I have smacked her arm when she has been out of control. I am totally against beating but I'm at such a point that my message doesn't seem to get across to her and in frustration and anger, I lose it!
Most days end in a screaming match between her and me. I end up yelling at the top of my voice. After that I feel guilty and she seems hurt.

First of all, I sense a lot of desperation in the mother’s heart. I can imagine that it must be extremely frustrating when discipline tactics stop working.

Unfortunately, this is often the case when discipline focuses on punishing bad behavior, rather than fostering good.

Eventually, as stated here, the child becomes immune to the punishment and parents find themselves having to increase the consequences in an attempt to control behavior. As for the child feeling remorse, she most likely was remorseful for being caught or punished, not for her actions.

Below is a quick list of the behaviors this mom is complaining about:

1. she speaks rudely to us as parents and to our domestic help as well
2. asking her to do something is a huge battle
3. she argues about everything
4. she talks back with no fear

She also refers to some of the discipline tactics that she’s tried:

1. we keep reminding and reprimanding…but she keeps repeating the offense
2. there are days when she will listen and carry out orders…hoping to be rewarded
3. other days I resort to nagging and threats…now she is learning to nag and argue as well
4. I have reward charts that start…but get phased out
5. I have even resorted to taking her toys away and giving them to charity…but I end up buying more eventually
6. now I have a whiteboard in my kitchen…but I don't know where to start and what to put on it
7. my husband is very supportive and is willing to try new methods…but I can't expect much as he works a lot
8. when my husband does say something, I find it to be harsh…and feel bad for my daughter

Looking back to my first article in this column, Five Steps to Positive Parenting, I would suggest these parents:

Step 1- CHANGE: Stand Your Ground

Obviously, nothing will improve this situation if the parents don’t change the way they are disciplining the child. It is quite admirable that these parents are reaching out for help, masha’Allah.

The first thing I recommend they address is the arguing and nagging. When children argue, they are unconsciously baiting parents into a battle of the wills. When the parents engage in the argument, they take the bait!

It doesn’t matter what the argument is about, the child gets results:

avoiding the task asked

wearing out the parents until they give up

distracting the parents from their instructions

gaining power and control over the situation

Parents can remain in control of themselves and the situation (not their child) by avoiding these traps:

Questioning (“How many times do I have to tell you? Why don’t you listen to me?”)

These types of tactics are used by parents out of desperation in response to their child’s arguing. They usually end with screaming or yelling and sometimes even hitting the child. As this parent lamented, at the end of the day, no one wins and the parents feel guilty about the way they are interacting with their child.

Instead, I suggest parents use these tactics:

Stand strong

Use few words

Be firm

Don’t engage in the argument

Repeat the request like a broken record

It’s number five that really is the key. When the child argues with you about some task or instruction, you simply repeat the request, over and over again.

The calm repetition will reduce drama and eventually the child realizes they are not getting anywhere, nor any attention, until the task is done.

You may want to choose one key word or phrase (but don’t change the word) to use in front of the repeated instruction as a response to the child’s ploy for an argument. Here is an example:

Mother: Sarah, please set the table now. (See How to Make Your Child Listen for tips on being direct and specific when making requests.)

Sarah: I’m in the middle of a game.

Mother: Regardless, please set the table now.

Sarah: But if I stop the game I’ll lose my points.

Mother: Regardless, please set the table now.

Sarah: Just give me a few more minutes and I’ll do it.

Mother: Regardless, please set the table now. (This may not seem like a logical response to Sarah’s bargaining, but it’s important to calmly keep repeating your request like a broken record.)

Sarah: Please, mom, just let me play a while longer.

Mother: Regardless, please set the table now.

Sarah: You’re so mean! You never let me have any fun!

Mother: Regardless, please set the table now.

It’s important to stand your ground and not give in. The child will soon learn that when the word “regardless” is used, she’s not getting out of the request and arguing will get her nowhere.

Once the job is done, calmly thank her for her compliance but don’t go overboard with praise. It’s important that you also avoid the temptation to lecture her about how much simpler it’d have been if she’d just done it the first time you asked.

Insha’Allah, responding quickly to your task will come as she realizes that there simply is no arguing with you.

Step 2- UNITE: All Care Givers Use the Same Tactics

In this case, the parents lack unity in their parenting. The child most likely picks up on the fact that mom feels bad when dad scolds her. Additionally, the dad using harsh words may indicate that he feels out of control and is escalating his response to the child’s behavior. I suspect that the domestic help most likely has her own way of dealing with the child as well.

This scenario probably leaves the child feeling insecure. On top of that, what is being modeled for her is out-of-control and escalating responses to her behavior. Of course she is mimicking the out-of-control and escalating behavior herself.

I recommend there be a set pattern as to how care givers respond to enforcing rules or instructions. It should never waiver. In the example noted above, the child will be met calmly with “regardless” every time she tries to argue, no matter who is dealing with her.

Fortunately, this mother’s comments indicate that her husband wants to be on board with her parenting style. He doesn’t have to be around much, he just needs to stand his ground in the same manner that the mother does to keep a united front. It’s important that they include the domestic help in this plan as well.

Step 3- LOOK FORWARD: Set Clear Rules and Expectations

Unfortunately, this child has fallen into a pattern of behaviors that is simply unacceptable. It’s fairly obvious she has little respect for her parents and doesn’t have self control while communicating in the family.

In order to feel secure and learn self control, children really do need clear rules and expectations. This includes family boundaries.

The parent may want to read Rights, Responsibilities, and Privileges for more about how to set the boundaries. Briefly:

Rights are given unconditionally to the child

Responsibilities are expected of the child (including acceptable verbal communication with parents and other adults)

Privileges must be earned by the child.

An example of boundaries for this child may include the manner in which she is permitted to speak to her parents and other adults. The child needs to be told in a calm setting that it is unacceptable to be rude (I’m not sure what this mother means by “rude,” but the parents need to make it clear that the way she has been communicating with the parents is not acceptable).

If the rudeness is an argument or ploy in response to an instruction or request, as noted above, the parents can simply ignore the rudeness and focus on the task they want done using “regardless” (or other phrase of choice) and repetition of the request.

If the rudeness is just the manner in which the child communicates, then the parents need to point out the communication is unacceptable and stop responding to the child until she corrects her behavior. For example:

Mother: Amina, would you like some milk with your sandwich?

Amina: You’re stupid! I hate milk!

Mother: That’s unacceptable, do not speak to me that way. (Keep calm and avoid drama.)

Amina: You’re a stupid head! I hate you!

Mother: That’s unacceptable. When you’re ready to speak nicely, I’ll listen.

At this point the mother should simply ignore the child completely until she figures out how to use nicer words to express herself. It’s imperative that the care giver not be drawn in emotionally, respond with shock, or get too wordy with the child. The less attention the child receives in response to this type of behavior, the quicker she should abandon it, insha’Allah.

Of course, the same tactic needs to be used by all the care givers in the family.

Step 4- BE CONSISTENT: Follow Through

This mother has shown a series of not following through. She starts and abandons discipline programs and gives in after taking drastic measures in an attempt to control behaviors. Both of these teach the child that her mother isn’t sure of herself as a parent and leaves the child constantly testing the boundaries in an attempt to find the breaking point.

It also appears she may have misinterpreted rewards from Is Your House a Prison or Gold Mine? If the child is behaving sporadically in anticipation of a reward, then we’ve missed the mark of earning privileges by fulfilling responsibilities and rewarding for attaining goals.

Regardless, the child should start each day with a clean slate (nothing harbored from the prior day and no privileges for the current day until they are earned). Her daily privileges (toys, television, etc.) are not rewarded, they are earned; and her daily responsibilities (chores, personal hygiene, etc.) are expected, not bribed.

Since this mother has started and stopped charting behaviors in the past, keep it simple. Link the responsibilities directly to the privileges. For example, she can play with her toys after she has finished her daily lessons. She can watch television after she picks up her toys and brushes her teeth.

Of course, the actual responsibilities and privileges will be tailored to this child. This schedule of “first this, then that” also plays well into the routine that this mother had stated she values (in an unpublished section of her letter).

Once you set the links, stick to it and don’t give in. Also note that with domestic help it is easy to forego giving the child personal responsibilities. However, by this age, the child should be picking up her own toys, keeping her own room in order, putting away her own clothes, helping with setting and clearing the table, etc. Having her own responsibilities will give her a sense of belonging and self worth. Letting someone else do most every thing for her will actually create a lack of self esteem and worthlessness.

Remember, earning daily privileges is different than rewards for goals. Rewards should focus on fostering specific new behavior patterns. For this child (and especially at her age), I might suggest focusing on one thing. Perhaps doing things the first time asked.

Try putting the white board to use in marking each time she does things the first time she is asked. Set a daily goal (high enough to make your day run smoothly, but low enough to achieve) with a simple reward. It shouldn’t be anything extravagant or out of the norm. It could be as simple as spending a half hour reading bedtimes stories with her at the end of the night, or playing her favorite game with her.

Once you have set the goal, remind her each time you ask her to do something. Say something like, “Amani, do page 16 in your workbook, first time asked, please.” If she does then you pop up to the white board and mark her achievement while acknowledging the good behavior.

Dad can get in on this by making note of her successes when he comes home and sees the board. If she didn’t fair well, he should simply say, “That’s too bad. It looks like you had a tough day. Insha’Allah, tomorrow will be better.” He shouldn’t lecture about what’s finished, rather focus on her ability to succeed tomorrow.

Step 5- POSITIVE DISCIPLINE: Focusing on the Good

As illustrated above, we need to diminish our focus on the bad behaviors and foster the good. Children will respond by seeking their needs for attention in a positive manner.

It’s important to remember to communicate expectations for behavior in advance and praise successes early and often. For more tips about communicating so that your child can understand and succeed, you may want to read How to Make Your Child Listen.

By using positive discipline to focus on the behavior we would like to foster, we train the child to control herself. After all, isn’t it self control we are after? With that in place, our children will have the ability to function in all situations, even when we are not there to police their actions, insha’Allah.

Each child is individual and there is not one “right way” to parent. I do pray this advice helps and would like to hear how it goes.

Remember, parenting is hard work! It takes Commitment to Positive Parenting, but it does pay off.

©2011 aisha_alhajjar@yahoo.com, All Rights Reserved (All writings are the original work of Aisha Al Hajjar and are based on her personal research, experiences, and opinions; they do not necessarily reflect the views of The American Academy of Husband-Coached Childbirth®, The Bradley Method®, or this publication.)