Our Dilemma: Placing Our Trust in Allah

IT’S one of the most difficult questions faced by adult Muslims, especially women: 

When should I get married? After I finish my studies, or now?

When I think of this dilemma, I often remember the advice of my parents:

When it comes to marriage, the most important question is not
when to get married but to whom?

And it is only Allah who knows the companion He created for us in this world and in the Hereafter. Therefore, when seeking to answer the question of when (and whom) to marry, we should turn to Allah and ask His guidance.

Allah says,

“And when My servants ask you concerning Me, then [tell them], I am indeed near. I respond to the prayer of every suppliant when he calls on Me….”
—Al-Baqarah (2:186) 

It is of the immeasurable blessings of Allah that the believer is promised correct guidance when he or she turns sincerely to the Creator for direction.

However, we often miss out on this tremendous blessing when we live our lives guided not by what Allah has shown us as a result of our supplications, but what humans and society (and our nafs) have suggested due to human desire and experience.

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So many of us imagine that we can plan life and cover each important milestone at the “right time.” Thus, when we think of getting married, having children, or even taking practical steps toward crucial spiritual improvement, we mentally write for ourselves schedules, which we follow religiously, often without ever raising our hands in supplication to ask Allah if these approaches are best for us.

Fortunately, growing up, I was taught this profound lesson by my parents:

There is no such thing as the “right time” for anything in life.
There is only “the right time for you.”

And your “right time” is something of which only Allah has full knowledge.

•••

No, this doesn’t mean we should avoid making judicious decisions based on our experience and wisdom—or even based on those personal desires and dreams we have. It just means that as we plan, we should also remember that Allah plans—and His plan is always best.

And it is often the case that submitting to Allah’s plan results in no major changes to the schedules we’ve set for ourselves: Certainly, sometimes our schedule and Allah’s schedule are in harmony with each other.

Nevertheless, even when we must alter our plans after consulting Allah, our du’aa and Istikhaarah guarantee that we are protected from harm and that we reap the best in this world and in the Hereafter as a result of our tawakkul. It is often only much later in life that we realize the immense blessings we’ve reaped from Allah guiding us to change our previously much-coveted plans.

Lessons from Qur’an: Story of Mary

If we look in the Qur’an at the story of Mary, the Mother of Jesus (‘alayhaa salaam) we learn a powerful lesson about the wisdom of Allah as it relates to Qadr (divine decree) regarding our respective “right times” for major milestones in life.

Allah says:

[The angel] said: “I am only a Messenger from your Lord [to announce] to you the gift of a righteous son.” She said, “How can I have a son, when no man has touched me, nor am I unchaste?” He said, “So [it will be], your Lord said: ‘That is easy for Me...
…And it is a matter (already) decreed.’”
—(Maryam, 19:19-21)

Perhaps, it is our human weakness and modern thinking that allow us to read over and over again about the knowledge and wisdom of Allah while we continue to rely primarily on the knowledge and wisdom of ourselves. For certainly, if we apply to the story above our perception of the “right time” to have children, the life of even the greatest woman would fall short.

But what will I do about children, finishing my degree, and all the others things I want in life?

How will I achieve all of these if I marry now?

Allah says,

“That is easy for Me...”

Challenges: Obstacles Placed By Parents

Unfortunately, in today’s world, it is often the parents—not the adult children themselves—who are most concerned with worldly goals (in the absence of du’aa and Istikhaarah) when deciding whether or not to marry “early.” And with today’s ever rising standards for “education,” this concern requires Muslims to wait later and later to get married.

In many such cases, it is the Western model of Live your life first that is coveted in the hearts and minds of these Muslim parents, even if only subconsciously.

However, a point that Muslims often overlook when seeking to emulate the Western model of delaying marriage is this:

In the West, the “live your life” motto often includes intimate relationships between men and women until it’s the “right time” to get married.

In this model, the only “sin” involved is in making the intimate relationship legitimate “too soon.”

It is indeed heartbreaking that many of the adult sons and daughters of ambitious Muslim parents understand this model quite well—even if their parents don’t—and they live the Western model (in secret) rather than risk scorn and ridicule from their family and culture for “marrying young”—even when they are spiritually, psychologically, and financially (in the case of men) ready to marry.

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Nevertheless, we cannot deny that it is definitely commendable that sincere parents wish to secure for their adult children the best scenario in which to enter marriage. However, as parents, we often forget a profound fact when making such unilateral decisions that encourage our children to delay marriage later and later into adulthood:

Our children do not belong to us. They belong to Allah.

Our guardianship over our sons and daughters is merely an amaanah, a serious trust and tremendous responsibility—not a dictatorship giving us full reign to force on them our personal desires and goals (even if well-intentioned).

If we betray even one aspect of this amaanah (especially if this betrayal harms our children in any way), we will certainly answer to Allah for this on the Day of Judgment.

Heartbreaking: Story from Riyadh

One of the most heartbreaking stories that illustrate quite lucidly the seriousness of this amaanah is a true story regarding a father and his sickly daughter: 

One of the scholars from Riyadh narrated that they visited a hospital and found a man with his daughter, who was very ill. The daughter was forty years old and had never married, for every man who had come for her, her father rejected.

The scholar said that the woman’s father was from the greediest of people. The father was a person of the dunya, but his dunya did not benefit him. He had many offices: real-estate, cars and clinics; however, it was known amongst the people that if his daughter were to be married, a suitor cannot marry her except with hundreds of thousands [in wealth]. Thus, all of the young men who came to propose were rejected because they were youth lacking wealth. And due to the circumstances of the people, the men wishing to marry her could not afford to pay the high mahr [stipulated by the father, not the daughter herself]. So every righteous man who came, he was asked about his employment and his cars and his salary and if the suitor informed the father that he did not have the precise qualifications he stipulated, then he was turned away. This continued until the daughter reached forty years of age. Then she suffered an acute illness and was admitted to the hospital.

Then, due to the severity of her illness, death became imminent.

And, certainly, death is the time to meet the One who judges between parties, and there is no Judge except Him, the One who implements justice between the oppressed and the oppressor.

When it was clear to the daughter that her death was but moments away, she said to her father,

who sat at her bedside:

“O Father, come close!”

So he came close to her.

She said to him, “Say Ameen.”

So he said, “Ameen.”

She said again, “Say Ameen!”

So he said, “Ameen.”

Then she said a third time, “[O Father!] Say Ameen.”

And he said, “Ameen.”

Then she said to him these final words before passing away:

“May Allah prohibit for you Paradise as you have prohibited for me

the delicacy of marriage.”[1]

Final Note: A Prayer for Our Souls

O Allah! Protect us from going astray or leading others astray! Protect us from being oppressed or oppressing others! And O Allah! In any decision we make in life—whether regarding our own lives or the lives of our children—make us turn to You for Guidance, seeking Your pleasure and Your pleasure alone.

Umm Zakiyyah is the internationally acclaimed author of the If I Should Speak trilogy and the novels Realities of Submission and Hearts We Lost. To learn more about the author, visit themuslimauthor.com or join her Facebook page.

Copyright © 2011 by Al-Walaa Publications. All Rights Reserved.